Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
