I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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