woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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