If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
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I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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