Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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