matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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