Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
