I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
