My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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