Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
