it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
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So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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