Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
