my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
