I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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