I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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