even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
