I hate your face
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
