Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
