You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
