You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
