woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
