Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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