At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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