you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
