My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
