i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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