just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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