she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You were trust falling into bushes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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