I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
