I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
