R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
