Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
