stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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