so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
