PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
