I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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