The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.