his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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