It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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