she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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