if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
