haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
