Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
