Is it because I queefed?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
