Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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