I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
