i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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