Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
