omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
