Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Every concussion has its silver lining
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
