I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
