the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
