Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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