how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
