my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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