I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
40s are totally the cure
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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