Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
