youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
