My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
