Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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