i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
