Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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