I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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